Technology Illiterates
by Seriosity
Summary: What would Raptor Jesus do?" /pause. "WUT U TOK ABT?" Eventual Sasusaku. For those who don't like love triangles, you'll be satisfied with this. Other pairings soon to be decided. T for language.
1. The Exciting Summer: WE LOVE LITERACY!

_Technology Illiterates_

June 22, 2009

9:31 PM

Ew. Don't speak to me that way.

June 22, 2009

9:32 PM

Leav me al0n3.

Sakura smashed her head on her keyboard, hitting a series of random keys.

"God damn you, Sasuke."

My name is Haruno Sakura. I'm strongly against Internet illiteracy. Sasuke, on the other hand, doesn't give a shit.

"I'LL TEAR YOU APART, UCHIHA."

And that's that.

* * *

She's a bimbo. Like I'm ever gonna give a damn about typing properly. She can be as fancy as she wants, I don't care. I get better grades than her. I was in QUEST in Elementary School, for fuck's sake.

"Go to hell, Haruno."

I blame this all on that dobe, Naruto. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have met this psychopath freak show with pink hair. Now I'm stuck with her bitching at me about how I type.

"Literacy is for tools."

It's not like I can't type properly. I just don't want to.

* * *

"DATTE FUCKING BAYO!" Naruto screamed into Sasuke's ear the next morning.

The Uchiha prodigy glared directly into his eyes and punched the blonde in the face. Nestling back onto his computer desk, he shut his eyes.

"TEME! TEME! TEME!"

No response.

"TEME, SAKURA IS COMING. SHE WILL KICK YOUR ASS."

Of course, if anyone were to make your eyes bleed with illiteracy, it'd actually be Naruto and Sakura would beat the shit out of _him _instead, but Naruto doesn't think much.

Sasuke propped his head up with his arm and covered one eye with his hand. With one eye, he glared again.

"Shut the _fuck _up, Naruto."

Naruto frowned.

"Dude. I'm not kidding. Sakura's coming over right now. And- Aw, crap. Doorbell, she's here!"

Of course, Sasuke never actually gave permission to Naruto to do anything. But, being a complete asshole of a friend, Naruto shamelessly invited people over to crash. At _his_ house. And he never even mentioned when he did.

Once, Sasuke was taking a shower and Naruto invited the guys over to _his _house. Thinking it was funny and thinking he actually had clothes on, Naruto bust open his bathroom door with all the guys and yelled, "SURPRISE".

Naruto was banned from coming to his house for 2 months.

Soon enough, the pink panther entered his room. And better yet, she had her laptop in hand. Another exciting summer day of "TYPE PROPERLY, FUCKTARD."


	2. FML is Funny, Moe, Lol

A/N: I need reviews, plzkthxbai.

Sakura; No.

Sasuke; Don't say no.

Naruto; DON'T DO DRUGS, KIDS.

Immediately, Sakura acted as if she was home. She sat cross-legged on Sasuke's bed and hooked up her laptop to his power outlet, casually, might I add. Sasuke just blinked, and kicked Naruto in a very painful place.

Sakura stretched out her arms in the air, and started up Safari. While sipping her iced mocha from Starbucks, she quickly typed in the beginning letters of the website she was going to.

"Ha! I fucking _love _this FML. Sasuke, I think **you **in particular should look at this."

Out of curiosity, Sasuke peered over the rosette's shoulder and looked at the fuck my life that made Sakura grin so brightly.

Naruto read it aloud.

"Today, my asshole of a friend invited his female friend over. She nonchalantly went on my computer, typed up a word document, KISSED ME, and left. She turned off my computer. I turned it back on, went to my recent documents, and she saved a message saying 'I am a prostitute' with a smiley face. She wasn't kidding. FML"

Sasuke sneered and turned to Sakura.

"Sounds a lot like what you might do one day, Pinky."

Sakura flushed, and poked him harshly in the sides. With a loud shriek, Sasuke started twisting and turning with the consistent jabs his sides were receiving. Naruto saw this as an opportunity and pushed him back into Sakura.

Resulting in Sasuke's head on Sakura's lap and staring at- Um. Something girls seriously don't want guys looking at.

Furiously blushing, Sakura kicked Sasuke's head off of her and began screaming at Naruto. After a severe pounding that surprisingly didn't give the stupid blonde a concussion, she sighed.

" Sorry about that." Sakura murmured to our spiky-haired Uchiha friend, and looked down to her left. A blush was still evident on her face.

"It's okay. I think I actually enjoyed that." Sasuke said cheekily, without thinking.

"WOAH. Is there something going on between you two?" Naruto stared at both of them questioningly, turning his head to the sides to look at both teens.

Sakura glared, her turquoise green eyes flaring coldly.

"You're disgusting, Naruto. I think I'd rather hang out with Ino than you."

"Sakura, don't be a meanie! It was only a joke!" Naruto replied with MUCH GUSTO.

They didn't notice Sasuke walking out of the room.

* * *

About an hour later, Sasuke's mom appeared in the doorway. Mikoto smiled at Sakura, but frowned at the sight of Naruto.

"Hello, Sakura!" Mikoto said cheerfully.

At the sudden sound, Sakura nearly jumped and fell off the bed.

She blinked a few times.

"Oh, hello." She said uncertainly.

"I'm Sasuke's mom, Mikoto. It's nice to meet you. Are you Sasuke's girlfriend?"

Her eyes widened, "No! I'm just a friend…"

"Oh." Mikoto's eyes looked disappointed, "You're very pretty. I'm sure Sasuke will like you one way or another."

Sakura blushed and looked away, as Mikoto stepped away laughing quietly to herself.

Naruto just frowned. Mikoto said nothing to him. It was obvious she was still angry about the time he jumped down their stairs and crashed into their window. Which broke it. And the time he "accidentally" ripped a curtain. And the time he "accidentally" went into Sasuke's parents' bedroom while they were kissing.

And the best of them all, he locked Sasuke in his bathroom and lazed about on his bed while Sasuke was screaming and crying, begging for help. This was when they were 5 and Sasuke wasn't so hateful. Guess what traumatized him. Mikoto's strong distaste for Naruto even stepping foot outside their driveway was evident.

* * *

Soon after, Sasuke walked back in, expressionless.

"Did my mom say anything?" He asked both of them, but seemed to be looking more towards Sakura.

Sakura grinned.

"Not a word, Sasu-kun."

Sasuke scowled at the scene.

Naruto was eating potato chips (on his bed) and had a lot of crumbs everywhere (ESPECIALLY ON HIS BED). Sakura was putting lip-gloss on and typing at the same time (MIRACULOUSLY). Emailing, too.

"Naruto, get off of my bed." Sasuke grimaced at the thought of NARUTO food on his blanket. In the area in which the oh so wonderful Sasuke Uchiha slept. He said nothing to Sakura.

Naruto pouted and left the crumbs on his bed, while getting up.

"Why do you never punish Sakura? Why does SHE get to stay on your bed? Why does SHE not get beat up-" Naruto was cut off by Sakura kicking him square in the balls.

"Shut up, Naruto. That second question sounded wrong. God." She was blushing profusely.

"Sasuke-teme, you just want Sakura-chan to get used to your bed because you want her on it someday-" This time Sasuke punched him.

"Get out of my house." Sasuke said darkly.

"Fine, teme. Come on, Sakura."

"Sakura can stay. We both have something to talk about. But you, Naruto, have to leave. You're just too perverted. Like Kakashi-sensei."

Naruto stared at them in disbelief, and Sakura just stuck her tongue out at him, signifying he should really leave.

"I knew you guys were together!" Naruto muttered under his breath and walking out the door.

* * *

"How long have I known you, now?" Sasuke asked. They were now alone.

Sakura smiled, "A long time. 14 years."

"How did you end up this tight-lipped about internet literacy?"

"By being smart." She replied smugly.

"Psh. I used to like you a lot, Sak. You're just…. _Annoying, _now."

"I know." Her grin was sad.

Years ago, Sasuke and Sakura were best friends. Sakura moved. But she incidentally met Naruto and by chance, found Sasuke again. Her best friend. But they'd both changed.

Sakura was very intelligent and calculating, always watching out for people's typos, mistakes, things that made them look stupid…

And Sasuke was cold and seemed to hold little emotion. It was really sad how they couldn't bring themselves to talk to each other without biting each others' heads off. Sakura was constantly harassing Sasuke about his ugly way of typing. Sasuke just brushed off the past and claimed he thought she was a bitch.

How did it all go wrong?

* * *

A/N: Sorry my chapters are so short and I suck at writing.

Naruto; I got kicked out of Sasuke's house. WHOOT.

Sakura; Sasuke is an ass.

Sasuke; …


	3. WWRJD?

_**WWRJD?**_

_"Sasuke-teme! You gotta ask yourself this question- What would Raptor Jesus do?" Naruto exclaimed._

A/N: If lol and internet nerdom makes you barf, stop reading this chapter.

"Duuuuuuude." Naruto droned.

Sasuke's eye twitched as Naruto continued in his rampant obsession of neopets. Yes, neopets. Because you can't get anymore respectable than a family site that has scammers. Naruto had a complete obsession. Every time he went over to Sasuke's house, he'd immediately turn his computer on. Without consent, of course. He'd log into his neopet account, 2KUL4UCARPFASE (A/N: No, this is nobody's account name). He'd go on the Avatar chat, ask a bunch of stupid unrelated, perverted questions, and then get suspended. OH, YES. Sasuke's best friend, the dobe, was quite the pet site elitist.

"HOLY SHIT SASUKE. I JUST GOT LENT AN ICY SNOWFLAKE. FUCKING SHIT. I SHOULD TOTALLY KEEP THIS. THEY WON'T MIND, RIGHT?" Naruto practically screamed to the whole neighborhood.

"Hn. Dobe. You'll get frozen, but I don't really care." Sasuke glanced up from his manga to reply.

Luckily, Naruto was always on a different browser than Sasuke used, so neopets wouldn't track Sasuke down and kill him.

* * *

**In another place in the world…**

---

From:

[2KUL4UCARPFASE] Fuku B4st4du

» This user is a Neofriend.

Sent:23/6/2009 12:59pm

Folder:Inbox

Subject:Avvie

Message:

[Report Message]

Can I kep ur icy snofak? plz it rly cul an I ned it 2 sel so um by. idrc if u reprt me tnt wil do nuthn.

---

"YOSH. I have been scammed, Gai-sensei!" Lee cried desperately and slammed his head on his desk.

Gai flipped a page in his magazine, "Shut up, Lee."

"Gai-sensei! What shall I do? Should I report him? He is ever so unyouthful. He must be a dirty old man waiting for me to tell him sick fantas-" Lee was cut off by Gai throwing his magazine and walking away from him.

"We're in a library, you fool. If anything, **you're **the dirty old man." Gai whispered, angry about the glares he was receiving.

Lee sniffed, upset over his scammed item and Gai's scolding. Out of extreme frustration, Lee decided to send him back a nasty neomail and report him OVER NINE THOUSAND times. Quickly, he grabbed a dictionary nearby and started looking through it to find vile adjectives to describe Naruto. Of course, Naruto wouldn't understand any of the words, so it wouldn't matter. But Lee, not knowing Naruto in real life, had no idea. He was setting himself for more disappointment.

* * *

_**Back to Sasuke's House…**_

"Sasuke! Look at this angry reply I got from the guy I just took the item from!"

---

From:

[YOSHUTHLYFE] LEE IS VERY YOUTHFUL YES HE IS PLZ

» This user is a Neofriend.

Sent:23/6/2009 1:09pm

Folder:Inbox

Subject:SCAMMER

Message:

[Report Message]

YOSH! HOW DARE YOU DO SUCH AN AWFUL THING? I AM EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. YOU'RE IMBECILIC. NO. NOT EVEN. YOU'RE JUST PLAIN AWFUL. WORDS CANNOT EXPLAIN MY DEEP PAIN YOU HAVE CAUSED ME. FOR MY SENSEI, MY LOVELY SENSEI, MAITO GAI, HAS WORKED SO HARD TO GIVE ME THAT AS A PRESENT FOR MY BIRTHDAY. MY BIRTHDAY WAS 2 YEARS AGO, AND EVEN SUCH A SMALL AMOUNT AS 10 NEOPOINTS WAS VERY VERY ENCOURAGING TO ME. HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING? YOU HAVE BEEN REPORTED. THIS WHOLE ORDEAL HAS TURNED ME OFF OF LENDING FOR ZERO COLLATERAL. I AM SO UPSET RIGHT NOW. I SHALL REPORT YOU AS MANY TIMES AS IT WILL TAKE TO GET YOU FROZEN. DO YOU HEAR ME, MR. FUKU B4ST4DU? I HAVE JUST REALIZED THE MEANING TO YOUR NAME AND IT DOES NOT SEEM LIKE IT IS A REAL NAME SO I HAVE FINALLY REALIZED THAT IT IS NOT YOUR NAME AND THAT YOU ARE REALLY SWEARING AND TRYING TO GET PEOPLE FROZEN WHEN THEY UTTER SUCH AN AWFUL NAME AND THAT IS JUST PLAIN UNYOUTHFUL. STOP IT.

---

"…God, Naruto. That second to last sentence was nearly 50 words long."

"… I'm so proud of myself."

Seconds later, Naruto was suspended.

"SASUKE TEME. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME I WAS GONNA GET SUSPENDED."

Sasuke casually flipped him off, "Uh, I don't play neopets. I'm a subetan, assfuck. Let me have my mac back, now."

Without waiting for a reply, Sasuke kicked Naruto out of his chair and out into the hallway. He sat down and exited Firefox. He opened up Safari and went to subeta. Yawning, he logged in and checked his event log.

Items Received (90)

You have received an Ugly Stick from ChAgrIN

90 events, all ugly sticks… From Sakura.

--Quick A/N: No, this isn't harassment. Because **I **am Chagrin. No worries, little ones. :) Back to our story…

Sasuke scowled, and deleted the whole event log, failing to see the Gift (2) with all the cluttered ugly sticks.

Going to quick stock, and transferring all of his items to his shop, he finally noticed 2 gift boxes weren't transferred in. He went to his inventory and checked.

You rip open the giftbox to find …

Sorry, Sasu-kun.

Ugly Stick!

There wasn't anything else he could do with the second giftbox but to open it. Expecting another ugly stick, he gasped aloud when he got another item.

You rip open the giftbox to find …

OK, now I'm really sorry, Sasuke. c:

Curved Brass Bar!

The item, of course, was expensive. And that was the only reason he gasped. It was the last item he needed to create his dream avatar. Never thought Sasuke could ever be nerdy? Well, you thought wrong. Fluff-like thoughts filled his mind and for a minute he considered… Well, being affectionate to Sakura and hugging her. Sasuke cleared those thoughts away and began thinking of ways to thank the internet literate girl.

In the end, due to lack of creativity, he just left a comment to her saying "Thanks."

Typing it properly was the least he could do to not offend her in any way. It was just proper.

"Teme, are you smiling?" Naruto asked dumbly at the small grin on Sasuke's face.

Sasuke immediately frowned and glared at the blonde, "I don't smile, jackass."

"I bet you were smiling because of Sakura-chan."

* * *

Kicked out of his house, again! Man, my life sucks. All I did was tease him about Sakura! I know he likes her. Teme thinks she's beautiful. Teme WANTS her to punish him about his typing. He loves her to death. He wishes she would realize that and they could grow old together after having like 10 kids.

Nobody cares about me. I never find anyone that will like me even as a friend. Except Hinata-chan, but she's too shy to like someone like me… She's really pretty. Her eyes and stalking are kinda scary, but she's a nice girl at heart. I just wish she would really notice me.

Naruto was depressed and pacing around the cul-de-sac. Until he noticed… A SHADOW BEHIND HIM!

HE SWUNG AROUND FULL SPEED, LIFTED HIS LEG, KICKED-

WHACK! He hit Hinata square in the face and she was knocked out on the ground, with a nose bleed.

"HINATA-CHAN!" Naruto cried, ashamed.

"Are you okay!?"

No response.

"DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT."

No response.

"Hinata, wake up."

NO RESPONSE, RETARD.

"Shit… I gotta call teme."

He reached into his vast pocket full of wonders and pulled out his cheap, crappy cell phone. Fumbling, he slid it open and punched in Sasuke's phone number. He was too stupid to figure out how to get to his contacts so that was just what he did.

* * *

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring.

Bananaphone~

Sasuke picked up his iPhone, stared at the caller ID, then sighed. He _slid to unlock _like a ninja who was cracking some diabolical code in order to- Never mind.

Immediately, "TEME! HELP ME. THERE WAS A SHADOW FOLLOWING ME SO I TURNED AROUND AND KICKED AND I KNOCKED OUT HINATA-CHAN. SHE'S BLEEDING. WHAT DO I DO?"

Sasuke's eye twitched. "How should I know, dobe!? You knocked her out! Do something about it, like telling her parents!"

"Hinata's dad wants to kill me."

"Your problem, not mine."

"It is so your problem! If you don't help me, I'm going to tell Sakura-chan that you hate her."

"So?"

"Well- Well- Um… I haven't thought through how that's going to affect you, but still! Help meee!"

"How?"

"Sasuke-teme! You gotta ask yourself this question- What would Raptor Jesus do?" Naruto exclaimed.

"I'm an atheist."

"THAT'S THE POINT! RAPTOR JESUS IS A MEME FOR ATHEISM."

"How the fuck is a crudely photoshopped image of a raptor in place of Jesus going to help you?"

"Well, you could at least go to the trouble of finding a guy with a kiwi accent, then."

"You're beached as brew, Naruto."

And with that, he hung up on his panicked friend.

* * *

A/N: That was nerdy. Olordno.

Memes are nice. If there's anything you wanna bring into this story internetz0rz related, please tell me in a review. :)


	4. Token Shop Blues

Token Shop Restocks

oddishness-

_Sasuke, not everyone gets what they want from the TS. Quit your bitching and be grateful._

_Just sell your damn wig and quit having Pitcher Envy._

_Life as we know it was over for the Uchiha. Tears cascaded down his face. Fists clenched in anguish, he cried out, "NO! I MISSED THE TOKEN SHOP RESTOCK!"

* * *

_

Uchiha Sasuke, the supposed pet site elitist, was devastated. All that hard work wasn't worth it in the end. He swore to himself he couldn't go on living. His hopes and dreams were shattered. Life as we know it was over for the Uchiha. Tears cascaded down his face. Fists clenched in anguish, he cried out, "NO! I MISSED THE TOKEN SHOP RESTOCK!"

So of course, he went on the shoutbox to air out his dirty laundry.

**_Sasuchihaiskul-_**

GODAMIT I MISD  
DA FUKIN RESTK I  
NED DAT WIG  
OMFG AND I  
MISD DA PITCHR

---

Responses came.

Otter

Stop your bitching.  
God, it's not the end  
of the world.

Orney

STFU.

Kingsly

God. Shut the fuck  
up.

Bikuu*

Shut the fuck up.  
0_o Stop bitching  
about this. It'll  
probably restock  
again.

Oddishness

Sasuke, not  
everyone gets what  
they want from the  
TS. Quit your  
bitching and be  
grateful.  
Just sell your damn  
wig and quit having  
Pitcher Envy.

* * *

He got the wig, but missed the ornate floral pitchers. Then, the blocks came.

Other (15)

He didn't bother clicking to see who blocked him because quite frankly, he was ashamed of complaining and getting told off by all of the SB. This place was freaking public in the site! Everyone who had it open could see the nasty comments sent to him and he curled up into a fetal position.

Other wigs had restocked, too. But he got the last item restocked- The one he hated and swore he would never in his life wear.

_**Carelessly Disheveled Wig**_

He cringed in pure horror. The wig that always sold out last. The wig that resembled a character that he hated with all his heart. It wasn't like it was badly drawn- But he just hated the hairstyle.

Sasuke grimaced as he shoved it into his wardrobe, never to be seen or thought of once again. OR SO HE THOUGHT.

Out of all the token shop restocks, he just had to have missed this one. And picked up something he hated. Oh, poor Uchiha. The ornate floral pitcher could've made him rich. The wig could've made him a better cross dresser. Oh, how he blamed the perverted old quest wizard.

* * *

**_ChAgrIN_**

Items Recieved(A/N: This is the official typo of subeta. I left it out of the last chapter and it needs attention) (5)  
You have received  
Lovely Vintage Curl  
from oddishness!  
X5, Sasuke. :3 You  
Want? Well, you  
Have to be literate  
for a week. Good  
Luck, asswipe.

* * *

Sasuke loved challenges. And when the opportunity DIDN'T present itself, he always found away to say provocative things. In the sense of actually provoking, not in an OMG HEY LUK IM SEXY way.

So he typed his reply to her.

"All right, Sakura-chan. I'll play your game."

"THE CHALLENG WUZ ACEPTD", was what he wanted to reply with, but of course, he'd automatically lose.

* * *

_**Sakura Time**_

Sakura smiled to herself as she saw his acceptance. Slowly, she would make him accustomed to typing like her. Typing perfectly. Typing intelligently. Typing like a person without mental disability. Then, maybe one day, they could finally get over their differences because, truthfully, the typing problem was the only one they had.

Other than that, they would be great friends. They always made each other laugh when no one else was around. But that was their secret. If Naruto saw, he'd accuse them of dating and run around their school screaming they had a relationship. Even though school was out and nobody but staff was there. Naruto was just that stupid.

She brushed her bangs out of her eyes and typed to him, "Begin. This is simulation number 1."

June 24, 2009

3:44 PM

Subject: Hi

Body: Hey, Sasuke-kunnnnn. :3 How are you? Miss me? :P

---

June 24, 2009

3:46 PM

RE: Hi

Body: No. Why? This typing is making me irritated. Give me that wig.

---

June 24, 2009

3:47 PM

RE: Hi

Body: Psh. I will. If you can keep this up for a week, Sasu-chan. Besides, I already gave you a Curved Brass Bar. Ungrateful bastard. ;-;

They ended the conversation there. Well, Sasuke did. Seeing as he didn't bother replying.

* * *

_**Meanwhile with Naruto…**_

"So, you see, uh, Mr. Hyuuga… I just kind of found her like this." Naruto murmured under the deadly glare of Hiashi.

"I don't believe you. I bet you tried raping her, but you knocked her out, so you were unable to. I CAN SEE THE LIES IN YOUR EYES" Hiashi boomed with great disdain (did you see how he rhymed there? Freaking cool.).

"W-Well… I am lying, but I didn't try raping her! I was walking and I saw a shadow behind me so I thought it was my great grandma coming to haunt me so I turned around, kicked, and- Well, I hit her face. I'm sorry!" Naruto blurted out.

Hiashi slammed the door on him without any further word.

"Ugh. Shit."

* * *

_**Meanwhile with LEE…**_

"Gai-sensei! I've been suspended from neopets again! This is ever so unyouthful."

"Shut up, Lee."

"Okay..." He said dejectedly.

* * *

A/N: Short chapters Ftw. Andddd- If you're on subeta like me, I have a new cult open called 90 Ugly Sticks. Feel free to join. :)

Also- Special thanks to those special SBers who allowed me to use their usernames and casual response to idiots in this. You rock. :)


End file.
